Any form of disconnection will have its root in unforgiveness.

If you are struggling in any way with a “people relationship” it will likely be caused or “governed” by unforgiveness by one, other or both parties of an historic event that has unsettled in a minor or major way, said parties.

What does unforgiveness look like?

Whilst unforgiveness will be the governing factor it tends to manifest outside of the original hurt or injustice felt by one of the parties.  In other words, a partner in a romantic relationship wounded by the other partners infidelity might not continue to raise the unfortunate unfaithful incident as the bone of contention.  Often, they will try to manage their hurt by imagining and living the lie that they “are over that now”.  What is really happening is that the unforgiveness of the “big sin” against them, colours their whole perception of their adulteress partner.  They say its all forgotten but its not.  Many trivial things that were niggling but acceptable become unacceptable.

Guilt invades and reigns!

The problem is the guilty partner, becomes that, someone who walks their life out in guilt and shame, treading on eggshells around their aggrieved partner.  Often, it’s not just their partner that is upset with them.  It can be children, friends, often in this adulteress scenario you may find connections within a small community of friends to the other philanderer and their partner, friends and relatives.  In short you have a maelstrom of negative out of kilter reactions to normal everyday life.  Ultimately if this situation is left to fester it will result in complete separation of the couple involved.  But for reasons ostensibly not connected to the original unforgiven sin.


I use infidelity as an example, but it could be abandonment, violence, theft, narcissism or any number of hurts left to fester unattended.  You may find revenge in the terminal solution of the unforgiven broken relationship but the excuse for the revenge will likely not reveal the true motivation for the revenge.

The key here though is what caused the perpetrators crime or misdemeanour?  Just like someone who steals your shopping or wallet, they are doing it because they need money.  But what led them to the place they needed money?  Probably its our old friend “unforgiveness”.  You see being treated badly by a parent for example can leave you a place of feeling worthless to such an extent you become unemployable.  How many people do you know that after a life shattering event perpetrated by another turn to the drink or drug that often fuels a need to steal?

The sting in the tail.

All the above may originate in a hurt that inflicted someone many generations before down a parental line.  Let’s put some meet on the bones of the adulteress scenario we began with.  Meet Richard and Joanne.  Richard grew up with a mother whose mother could not show love because her mothers’ mother was shown no love by her parents, who also lived a loveless life.  In other words, Richard was desperate for love.  Joanne’s father seemed uninterested in her as did his father and the father…..  Fast forward to a night club romance when all of a sudden Richard and Joanne meet and feel wanted and loved.  Sadly, they were doomed for failure as the foundation was lust and romantic engagement not deep unconditional love.  Before too long the baby came, the lust wore off, but the baby remained.

Reality sets in!

As reality set in, Joanne started to remind Richard of his Mother and Richard seemed like Joanne’s Father to her.  Both of their hearts flooded with rejection, hurt and ultimately the unforgiveness of generations of poor parenting.  Richards affair became just a matter of time!  Could this be avoided?  Yes of course it could.  It needed a culture, a society, dare I say a church that understood the mechanics and the need for this type of hurt to be addressed.  Unfortunately, that’s not where our society is now.  But hey, you are here, and we want to help.  We have people who have lived where you live right this moment, and they want to help.  Why?  Simply because they can.  You know what to do connect with us we can help!

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